Rape fantasies and consensual non-consent

1 Oct

There’s a number of people out there who have ‘rape fantasies’.   Some people also call this a ravaging fantasy, or consensual non-consent.  Sometimes it’s just a fantasy and nothing more, but other times these fantasies get acted out with a partner.  Let’s talk about that.

First of all, something I’d like to make very clear is that when someone says they have these types of fantasies, this does not mean that they actually want to be raped.  You still need to obtain consent; it’s not an invitation to just go for it whenever you feel like it without having a discussion about it.

How do you handle consent when the fantasy is non-consent?

You talk about it beforehand!  You figure out what’s involved in the fantasy, you set boundaries, and most importantly: you agree on a way to end the acting out of the fantasy if one of you changes your mind.  It might be pretty basic – maybe you’ll agree that the usual ‘no means no’ rules apply, or even if you want to include verbal resistance in your play, maybe you’ll agree that ‘No, seriously!’ means no.   For other people, though, it might make things safer and clearer to chose a safeword or a signal.  It could be anything – maybe your safeword is bananas and your signal is snorting like a pig – it’s just something to replace ‘no’ or ‘stop’ in case you want to use those words non-seriously when you’re acting out your fantasy.

In addition to this, it’s still incredibly important to pay attention to your partner to be sure that they really are into it.  Sometimes rape, ravaging, or non-consent fantasies can be upsetting, and people who are upset or scared aren’t always very good at vocalizing this.  If you’re in the middle of things and suddenly your partner is less responsive, looks anxious, or seems unsettled, you should stop and make sure everything is okay.   If you have any reason to believe that your partner might no longer be enjoying themselves, stop and check.

Some of you might be thinking that all this planning is a bit of a buzz kill, but don’t skip it, it’s important.  If you really hate talking about the sex you’re about to have, then have your discussion in advance and try out the fantasy another time.  Don’t let someone pressure you into passing on the discussion, either – a partner who cares will respect your concerns about consent and safety.

And finally, this isn’t necessarily consent-related, but I want to mention another an important part of these kinds of sexual encounters: aftercare.  Even if you both really enjoyed it, sometimes people can start to feel upset or sad afterwards.  This is more commonly known in the BDSM community as sub drop, and you can help each other out by making time to be affectionate, do something nice/fun you both enjoy, or getting a little pampering time in there.   Figure out what works for you and/or your partner and make sure you’re there for each other.

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